Navigating the Drama Triangle, Part 2
By Nance Leonhardt
(This is the second part in two-part blog series focused on how the theoretical framework of the Drama Triangle can inform our personal interactions. Make sure to check out the first installment from November 21 for a review of the dynamic).
A couple years back, I attended a parent-education training held at my daughter’s school and learned about the work of David Emerald, social scientist and leadership educator. Emerald flips the script on the Drama Triangle in his 2005 book, The Empowerment Dynamic (TED.) In this parable, the Victim becomes the Creator, the Persecutor becomes the Challenger, and the Rescuer becomes the Coach. Both Karpman’s (creator of the Drama Triangle) and Emerald’s models deal with relational conflicts that arise from a perceived imbalance of power. The key difference between them relies on reframing your own understanding of where you can pause and recognize your locus of control, step away, and regain your connection to purpose. Where Karpman’s roles activate shame and blame, Emerald’s activate accountability and agency.
Let’s revisit the opening exchange (from my last blog post) when I was on the phone with my mom noting where I could have pivoted or redirected my mom into an empowerment stance.
Me: (answers phone) Hey, Mom. What’s up?
Mom: Hi Honey, just wondering if you’ve given any thought to Christmas?
INSERT - Notice burning onion sensation creeping up throat, notice tightening of chest and fists.
Me: … um… no… it’s September. It’s like 96 degrees (note: emphatic hyperbole.) (P)
INSERT- Me: Oh… no… it’s been busy and I have no ideas right now. What are you thinking? (Challenger pivot)
Mom: (long pause, clipped response)…oh…okay. (V)
INSERT - Mom: Me? I was thinking of getting tickets for all of us to go to Bali, But I know you hate hot weather, so how about we consider Whistler? (pivot to CREATOR)
Obviously it’s easier said than done, but I have been actively practicing these pivots in all of my personal and professional interactions following Emerald’s basic recipe. I start with attunement with who is coming to me with a need or concern. I notice if they are escalated. Note—escalation can look like anger, fear or shut-down. It can also resemble overcompensating. The psychological terminology for these states are fight, flight, freeze, or fawn, and they occur when the amygdala hijacks the prefrontal cortex of our brains, taking rational thought and decision-making offline.
There are myriad resources out there that offer strategies to deflect drama using an empowerment stance. Families afflicted by the deepest relational hurts often find themselves consulting pastoral care, working with a family therapist, and beyond. At the core of any of these interventions is the simple act of slowing down, listening to your own somatic (bodily) and emotional state, and giving yourself space to rescript the interactions. Notice when you’re feeling that generational pressure staining your experience with shame, blame and “should.” Greet these feelings with a deep breath, a swig of your favorite mulled beverage, and an invitation to redirect the interaction using one of Emerald’s reflection prompts:
WHERE ARE YOU PLACING YOUR FOCUS? Are you reacting to the problems that trigger your anxiety or are you creating outcomes that matter to you?
HOW ARE YOU RELATING? How are you relating to others, to your experience, and even to yourself? Are you relating in ways that produce or perpetuate drama, or in ways that empower others and yourself to be more resourceful, resilient, and innovative?
WHAT ACTIONS ARE YOU TAKING? Are you merely reacting to the problems of the moment, or are you taking creative and generative action—including the solving of problems—in service to outcomes?
This holiday season, I invite you to step out of drama and into connection and model that shift for your family. If all else fails, I hear flights to Bali are still available.
